i had a long chat with my cousin a few days ago and i found out her real story behind her unquestionable princples. i thought at the beginning that she was only being crazy and all that but then...

how can i expect her to be just like me when shes not? she might be crazy and overly idealistic in someway but im sure shes far more than like me.shes not bitter and selfish like me who wants nothing but assurances and security along with the happiness i wanted.she is instead, someone that is different who sees the world in the exact opposite as i see it. shes someone who dares to take chances and live with it. but why do i have to expect her to see things the way i wanted her to be when she cant??? how can she be the one i envisioned her to be when shes not? now,i understand why shes not like me. she once fell in love with her best friend 3 yrs ago. not that i didnt. the only thing was she accept it with open heart and i didnt. things could have been better for the two of them if things are different. her best friend eventually married off with the girl i bet he never loved at that time. they are still best of friends though untill now and shes still and always remains the best friend who has feelings for him. she still loves him enough that its hard for her to move on and settle in a relationship. "loving him is never an assurance that he'll love me back andi never expected it t be reciprocated, i just waited for it to grow in his heart but since hes now married, im contented it grew in mine"-that was the exact words that she said to me. she felt blessed of having a chance to know him and got the chance to share something more than anyone else and thats enough for now. someday, u ll miss those gestures and feelings that u have now, and someday, you learn to accept that u cant have it bck even in ur dream because even ur memories are nolonger urs.

everything seemed so perfect and so fine until 1 day, something happened that shattered our lives forever. the kind that u never wished to happen, not now, and not forever...

i came from work 1 night. i was just a few min. behind my aunt when i came home. i parked my car and went inside right away. i didnt even got the chance to take my shoes off when i heard my aunt crying hysterically over a motionless body on her arms. i didnt know what was happenning but i had the feeling that it was not good. i didnt want to assume any worst thought after all, what could there be any worst than what i saw? i looked around: puzzled. i saw my cousin standing a few feet from my aunt, also crying so hard. after standing there for like eternity, i heard my aunt said in a shaky voice: "Patay na si Nikki, jec". i didnt want to believe it, nor think about that thought ever. i just didnt want to believe when we still had the chance...i just didnt want to believe when i still had the hopes...technically, she was not dead.not yet...maybe they can still do something to save her, after all, that is what they've been doing all their lives.

after awhile, my uncle came running. he took nikki away from my aunt and began giving first aid measures. we all just stood there, staring and hoping, shaking and terrified for the verdict. we waited, but things turned out to be hopeless. its so irony knowing that these 2 persons save other peoples lives every day and yet, they cant saved this poor creature that was once a part of their family. they still brought her to the hospital, no one seemed ready and wiling to give her up yet without a fight.

i was left at home. my cousin was in the basement though but she had no idea what was happening a few min ago. i went downstairs and told her about it. she too, was shock but not as troubled as we all were which was obviously understandable because she was never there when it happened. i went back upstairs and tried to do things that can distract me. i tried watching tv or reading but it never helped. ididnt understand what i was watching and reading so i easily gave it all up for i knew that there was no use of feeling ok and secure, not when things were like these. there was only 1 thing left that i seemed capable of doing-praying. so i started praying...i refused to shed a tear because in my heart, i still had hopes left for a miracle to happen. i was so desperate that i bagan offering a bargain just to bring her bck but maybe my offer was not enouh to trade..maybe my offer was nver enough for anything, not even the thing i desperately wanted.

there were back and their faces told a thousand words. they looked scary that ididnt want to hear what they might gonna say especially when it was all obvious on their faces. but one had to hear it out no matter how shattering the news would be, no matter how it will change your life...even if it will means goodbye forever. my aunt at last said something. she said just the same words she had said an hour ago, but this time,she said it with conviction, and this time, we all knew that it was for real. there wont be any hopes and prayers needed for she was gone. i sure heard my aunt said those exact words but my brain refused to absorbed it all. i just only wanted to hear something far more than what i was hearing at that time. i looked at my cousin who passed right in front of me to the room. i ran after him asking stupid questions that i knew pretty well the answers. hoping that i will hear the right words i wanted to hear but it was hopeless. it hit me reeally hard when i saw him crying. then and there i realized that there were no room for denials for all of us because it was really happenning...she was gone now, leaving us all like a glass that were shattered all over.

a min after, my older cousin came home. my aunt opened the door for him and i was there too, standing. i heard him said: "Mom, where's Nikki?" like he always does everytime he came. my aunt answered him saying that she was dead but my cousin seemed like me, who never aacept things as easily as they can.

this is one of my favorite of all time...the story is so beautiful that it touches the heart and brings back the love you have lost again and again in your life (to those people who r bitter and hopeless like me+++*hahhaha*) ok, i might be wrong at some point or maybe totally wrong... but for me, the story is really rare and the kind you always dream...or fantasize maybe? the kind that gives you hope that somewhere along the road of reality, there stand a land of fanatsy?

alright, i know that i love to read romance-novels (thats what ive been doing lately), and that i love to dream and to fantasize things(not necessarily about )and even love to giggle if happened see cute guys but that doesnt mean im insanely romantic, or foolish enough to emagine crazy things...maybe m just being human- who is crazy enough to laugh, dream and hope as long as i live for i know that what really matters the most is the chance for you to convince yourself that youre real and youre facing your life to all the realities that surrounds you by your own rules.

i never sleep for more than 24 hours, i dont know whats got into me.i was nver like that infct, it was one of the things that mde me uncomfortable because of the fact that i was nver exprienced that b4. sometimes it made me think that maybe i have sleep disorders which im not still convince i have.i know thats too big to think because now, im like catching up what i have lost---because i tried to. i dont want to think that i have psychological troubles--just like sleeping disorders--coz it drives me crazy just thinking about those things. maybe i wasnt able to sleep then because i have a final test in A&P which made me restless and what? tense? that could be the right word to add because i didnt managed to study-that was seem to be a perfect thing to do then.my brain was not working really well and i feel like m tired but i was not sleepy, that would be a perfect and rare chance for me to study but there was a problem, the only problems was i cant concentrate, it was like my brain was tired too but not so tired enough to put me into sleep. i was devastated and all that because i dont thik i did well in the finals which i could have done better...

i can take it no more.life is boring, or maybe just my freakin life. i want something different....something that i cant even anticipate its existence.i dont know what i actually want for now except for one thing-read novels and dont study.got a big exam coming and i still havent put extra time studyng it. i feel so guilty but heck! as long as i wont fail, thats more than enough for a consolation in my part. not that i would just easily accept the Cs...maybe i would try harder than that.well see.